Constant Havoc

Is there a word for the feeling I have? I am alone, but I’m not lonely. My time is empty, but I’m not sad.

I don’t think it’s boredom, yet I don’t necessarily want to fill my time with any particular activity.

I glance at the computer. I daydream.

I eat. I nap.

I walked two miles this morning after my regular meditation, and I enjoyed both immensely.

I am alone right now, and I acknowledge my solitude. Still, it’s not really causing me any discomfort apart from this bewilderment I have at the lack of any concrete emotion.

I know what it feels like to be lonely. I understand that pain well.

I understand existential pain, too. I know the sorrow of simply being alive on planet Earth.

I don’t have any of that at the moment.

I’m blank, and it baffles me.

Is this peace?

There’s something in the knowledge that I’m alone that doesn’t frighten me the way it has before. I know I’m alone, and I left wondering where the sadness is.

Where is it?

Don’t worry. I’m not going to chase it. I’m just curious to know if I’m alone in this lack of emotion. This is new. Weird.