Constant Havoc

My concentration is very low this morning. Meditation was very short, and it was loose, for wont of a better word. I put out a tarot spread for myself and couldn’t get any real thoughts about what I was looking at. Reshuffled the cards, and put out another one. I didn’t even try to think about the second spread.

I was quite distracted in thought in the days leading up to the Great American Eclipse of August 21. Nothing was sticking. It was a jumble. Immediately after it passed, calm returned. That’s faded this morning.

I have a desire. I’ve had it for a very long time. I’ve brought it up in therapy. I’ve meditated about it. I’ve released it in little rituals I’ve created.

It won’t fade.

It’s there.

I’ve come to a kind of peaceful coexistence with it. It doesn’t occupy my mind as it has some days in the past, but it’s there. It just kind of exists in there somewhere.

This morning is one of those days when it’s existing in the front of my mind. Not sure what that means. I just kind of let it have its room and go about my day.

But it’s causing some kind of reaction in my stomach. Not sure what that means.

I’ve had this desire so long that I can’t believe there’s actually about to be some kind of realization. Surely not.

Surely, tomorrow will come, and it will peak its head out of the back of my brain just as it always has.

Do we exist apart from our desires?